He Said, She Said

silhouette-2480321_1280There is a lot of finger-pointing between the sexes these days.  No one is right, yet no one is wrong.  It appears to be battle of control, when what it really should be is a balance of power.

Energy must be balanced in order to flow.

In every effective relationship, there is a balance of feminine and masculine energy.  This is not limited to gender nor sexual preference.  Feminine energy is receptive and sensing-feeling.  Masculine energy is giving and thinking-doing. 

Women can be masculine energy, and that doesn’t mean that they look like men or lack femininity.  Likewise, men can be feminine energy and still look and act masculine.  It is only how the energy is processed.

I am a masculine energy, very feminine woman.  I have friends and acquaintances who are similar.  I am in a heterosexual relationship and am a total fashionista.  I am highly intelligent and get more sh*t done in a day than many people do in a week.  My sweetie is a feminine energy male, who is also very intelligent and a creative former ironworker.  He appreciates my forward thinking.  Neither of us is weak and neither of us is in charge of the relationship.  Because we have a balanced energy relationship, the energy can shift back and forth depending upon our needs, desires and skills.  Good relationships have this ebb and flow.

The problem comes from two same-energy people in a relationship.  Two masculine energy people will constantly fight for control.  Two feminine energy people will passively want their way.  In either situation, neither get their needs met nor get sh*t done.  Trying to pretend you are one type, when you are not, does not work either.  Just like coloring your hair, the dark roots will always grow out the blonde.  Why create more conflict to an already conflicted situation?

The first step is to acknowledge your energy type.  Forget the male-female, masculine-feminine typecast for a bit.  Ask this question instead: are you more offended if someone calls you stupid or if they call you ugly?  If being called stupid sets you off, then you are more likely masculine energy, whereas you don’t give a rat’s a$$ if they call you ugly.  You might also get irritated and impatient by people who cry all the time.  If being called ugly makes you cry, then you are likely feminine energy.  Your feelings are more important than whether or not you know how to calculate the return on investment.  Again, neither energy type is right or wrong.  Just learn to be happy with which one you are.  You will have a happier life if you do.

I almost wonder if what we are seeing in the world today is from real energy types finally emerging.  Perhaps the conflict is more from within and easier to project on someone else than to acknowledge what is.  Internal conflict can turn nice people into alien life forms from hell.  Figure out what type you are, but throw away the label.  The energy will settle down and fall into balance.

Because it is better to be happy than to be right.

My Mother, My Body, My Self

mother-1327186_1280My mother was mean and fat.  I suppose she had her reasons.  I was born to her when she was a teenager, unable to graduate with her high school class, and the subject of scorn from many.  Self-hatred can cause you to pack on pounds in an effort to deflect other’s criticism.

I swore I would never be like my mother.

I never grew fat, just slightly chubby during difficult periods in my life, but always managed to ditch those few extra pounds when happiness was more prevalent in my life.  But I absorbed my mother’s dissatisfaction in other ways.

I became her punishment.

She told me once, “never get pregnant or you’ll ruin your life”.  I suppose, then, that I had ruined her life.  Her self-hatred ran deep, and so I spent the better part of my life attempting to appease her.  Wasted effort.  Once I gave up, my life changed in dramatic ways.

Shame and blame are guilt trips that are all too easy to fall into.  It takes courage, it takes strength, and it takes total compassion for yourself and your struggles to dig out of the rut of shame and blame.  My mother never got there.  She might still be in that place, but I don’t know as we no longer speak.

I still hate her on occasion.  I would guess that’s normal.  When my thighs get fat, I hate her.  When I stand with my hands on my hips, I hate her.  Sometimes we mimic our mother’s body to heal the pain of rejection.

I am not my mother’s body.

When I see these aspects appear, they just remind me of the wounds left behind.  They remind me of my struggle to create my own identity and not the one my mother impressed upon me.  And as each day goes by, and I allow my wants, my needs, and the desires of my true self thrust outward like a seedling in fresh mulch every piece of my mother’s rejection drops into my arms like a newborn greeting the world.

Like Phoenix rising from the ashes.

And knowing this, I wrap my arms around those injured bits of my soul, and tell myself that I am Loved and I am Cared For.  And I smile as I watch shame and blame fade away.

Waist Not, Want Not

belly-2354_1920Remember when a tiny waist was so important?  You would measure yourself daily and if there was a slight variation, you would starve yourself or do those twisty exercises or maybe just suck it in for the next week.  Once you are in the menopause-ing years, that tiny waist should be as forgotten as eight-track tapes.

I read a story once about maiden, mother and matron.  The maiden had a tiny waist to attract a really good husband, as a place for his hands to hold her.  The mother’s waist expanded so that when she held her child, the head was supported and placed for nurturing.  The matron’s waist was much thicker as to provide warmth and comfort on a cold night.  Hmmm.  Seems like our waist is only for the benefit of others.

Our middle section has been a focal point of our physical body since we discovered we had one.  Thick, thin, poochy, six-pack muscles, we spend more time on it than brushing our teeth.

Does your waistline trouble you?  Review your diet.  Do you need to clean up your eating habits?  Maybe go grain-free and check out the plan in “Wheat Belly” by William Davis M.D.  A ketogenic diet might work well so read “Fat for Fuel” by Joseph Mercola M.D.  If you have health issues, review them with your doctor.  It might be time to ditch the TV watching and go for a walk.  If you are physically impaired, roll your wheelchair down the sidewalk and experience the healthful benefits of fresh air and sunshine.

If you have taken the necessary steps to be your best self and your waistline still is not what you want, then it is time to accept this change.  Wrap your arms around your middle and give yourself a big hug.  That is what Loving Your Sh*t is all about.

Note: while the story about the waist was a cute fictional version, Maiden-Mother-Crone is considered the Triple Goddess in Neopaganism and often a woman’s power symbol in Celtic lore.  I also like to consider the waist area as symbolic of the third chakra – the solar plexus – as the area associated with personal power.  Claiming your personal and feminine power might actually strengthen and tighten up your waist.

Put Your Best Foot Forward

Recently, at work, the subject of dress code has surfaced again.  We have a new director, and he is getting his feet wet in all areas of the business.  After initiating the topic of shoes, he wisely turned the dress code idea over to a team of women.  Women police each other, after all.

59745-2001_CEREZA[1]Many a man, to his everlasting regret, has ventured in to the female shoe closet thinking to discuss the quantity, cost, necessity, appropriateness and style of female footwear.  Many of them wisely retreated when they notice the squinty eyeball staring back at them.  A brave few thought to continue the topic, and then determined that there is a fine line between brave and dumb.  Some hearty souls continued on, and were grateful that the living room sofa was a comfortable place to sleep.  And some were never heard from again.

The only men who can safely traverse the domain of the female shoe are those of a “different persuasion”, or the Great Oz of Shoes himself: Mr. Manolo Blahnik.  Should Mr. Blahnik ever appear in a woman’s shoe closet, especially if he were bearing gifts, she could succumb to a heart attack at that very moment and consider her life complete.

51g35jLUYvL._SX356_BO1,204,203,200_[1]Shoes represent the Holy Grail to women.  They are the ultimate form of self-expression.  We willingly spend thousands of dollars for coveted pairs, suffer untold agony and blisters for a few hours of wearing a spindly high needle for the praise of a friend or stranger.  Women have made new friends over a pair of shoes.

A beautiful pair of shoes can brighten a woman’s day.  Knowing that pain could come later, she will still step out proudly and with confidence that she can kick a$$.  An ugly pair. . .well, can make a woman feel ugly.  They are the equivalent of Superman’s kryptonite.  A necessity, if you will.

Oh and if you are available, Mr. Blahnik, my closet is open. . . size 7, if you please.

Will & Grace

will-and-grace[1]I have never watched the show, but I don’t watch much TV.  So I don’t know much about it.  I am talking about your Will, as in your personal power and Grace, staying calm and cool under pressure.

In today’s crazy times, it is very easy to lose your cool and have a public meltdown. H*ll, we see it all the time on the news! Doesn’t mean that we all want to witness that, much less be the one who wails like a two-year-old.

Having a Will is healthy as it means that you have a sense of self and appropriate boundaries. Will helps you get up in the morning. Will gets you to the gym to do something about that beer gut. (Yes, you know it’s there.) Will gets you to survive and thrive. Will helps you write that novel.

man-1207675_640But the most important thing that Will does for you is getting you to stand up for yourself. You have a right to your beliefs. You have a right to your emotions. You have a right to be safe and cared for. Will doesn’t do this at the expense or pain of anyone or anything else. That’s Will’s black-sheep cousins, Coward and Narcissist.

When Will stands up for your beliefs, Will needs to invite Grace to the party. Grace acts with dignity. Grace remains calm, but stands firm. Grace has an inner badass. Grace does not screech and demand her way. Grace bends her Will to a Higher Power as she knows that something bigger is there to guide and protect her.

If you put Will & Grace on your team, you will walk through life being respected for honoring your needs with dignity. And some people will think you are a badass.

IT Is Not An Earring

earring-2591496_640Have you ever stopped wearing pierced earrings and after a time the hole grew shut? Maybe you had three or four in each ear and decided you didn’t want that many anymore. Maybe you just decided you didn’t like pierced ears after a time. Earrings are a fun and beautiful accessory that can be enjoyed.

Sex is not earring. If you don’t use IT, the hole will not grow shut. You might think that when you are in your menopause years. Your body is changing and maybe sex is not what it used to be. Our inner tissues get thinner and drier and that can make sex painful. Enough so that you would rather just quit and let the hole grow shut.

man-3221066_640Sex is enjoyable and healthful for you in many ways. If you do not move your joints the fluids surrounding them do not lubricate them properly and then you have pain. Same thing Down Below. Using IT keeps it healthier and lubricated. Plus all the brain chemicals and hormones that get generated during sex keeps you happier and healthier.

If you are experiencing a lot of pain, talk to your doctor. There are many options that can help. If you are in a relationship, SHARE your issues with your partner. It will help prevent them from thinking that you are not interested in THEM. Try different things with your partner. If penetration is too painful, try oral. Invest in a Battery Operated Boy, otherwise known as BOB. BOB can be your friend if you are not in a relationship. Just do not give up sex because it is painful.

You are still a sexy, beautiful woman. Be that! And put the earring back in.

The Men In My Closet

I know that sounds kinky. It’s not. Not even remotely. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I confess I have an attachment to fashion labels. Yes, shallow and easily swayed by a name. There is quite a crowd in my closet and I love them all. Tommy, Louis, Christian, Brian, Marc, Manolo, Franco, Michael and some I’m probably forgetting. Sorry guys. There are women there too – Kate, Cynthia, Miucci and Anna. But it seems that men are really good at creating beautiful things for women, especially shoes. I am thankful for this.

Why do women need Men In Their Closet? Yes, we know we have fourteen pairs of black shoes. Yes, we wear them all. It’s fun and it makes us feel good. When I put on a favorite outfit, I feel like I’m getting an upgrade. I smile. I stand taller. I start my day on happy

feet. A great outfit can actually turn a sh*tty day into something tolerable. Sure I look in the mirror, but why not? If. It. Makes. Me. Feel. Good. It. Is. A. Good. Thing. And if I feel good and am happy, then it radiates out to everyone around me and they feel good. Bonus!

Let’s hear it for the Boys!

Act Your Age

Photos Courtesy of Pixabay

How many times in your life have you heard this?  Add that to the prevailing attitude of retaining your youth and it is no wonder we don’t know how to act.

There are aspects to both of these that have truth.  To live your best life, you should adopt an attitude of joyful exuberance in whatever stage of life you are in.  Joyful exuberance is happiness and acceptance of self no matter your age.

Trouble comes when we get stuck on a particular number or phase in our life.  Have you ever noticed people, maybe you are one of them, who constantly talk about your teenage or college years as though that is all there is or will ever be?  I’m not a psychotherapist nor profess to be one.  These are things I have learned in my own healing journey or observed in others.  I believe that when we get stuck in a particular time frame of our life is the point where we have experienced some level of trauma or loss of self.

I once worked with a woman close in age to me, who constantly talked about her teenage years and her ex-husband/boyfriend-at-that-time.  Even her appearance reflected that of a teenager.  I especially noticed her liberal use of super-shiny, super-sticky lip gloss.  I use lip gloss, but her use was similar to that of young teens.  She rarely ever spoke of her present life, except to complain about her three children and all the troubles they were in.  She had her oldest child at nineteen and now that child was repeating the pattern.  She also went to school with her youngest child just to make sure the kid would go!  What trauma and life-changing event occurred in her teenage years that put a hold on her life growth?

Where do you find yourself stuck?  What time in your life seems all-encompassing and your last best years?  There is so much in your life that you are missing out on by keeping yourself stuck in the past.  Your present life is what is important as it is where you create your best future.  Stop being stuck.  Heal your past, make friends with it and put it behind you.  Find the self within you that you stopped being.  Reinvent who you are.  Adopt the attitude of joyful exuberance.

And act your age.  Whatever that is.

Noteworthy news: Older women being featured on style magazine covers is rapidly growing.  Check out some of these beauties: Maye Musk (Elon’s mommy); street style babes Lyn Slater and Sarah Jane Adams; former Playboy Bunny Dorrie Jacobsen; and the grande dame of all, Iris Apfel.  There are countless others being added to the influx of fabulous older women.  The fashion industry is finally taking note that beauty has no limits.  Rock on!

He Loves Me, I Love Me Not

Did you ever play that game with a flower and pluck the petals off? If only relationships were that simple. We have invested a lot of time and effort in the romantic world: obtaining, maintaining and sustaining. We could make it easier on ourselves and it starts within.

Romantic relationships are the ultimate mirror. Whatever we feel about ourselves gets reflected back to us by those we love. And us to them. So how much do you want to be loved? Unconditionally? Nearly unobtainable in the human world. We are here to grow our spirit so those mirrors are necessary to take us beyond just our reflection in them. If you want a fully loving relationship, you should become that person you want to love you.

What parts of you do you believe are unlovable? That is only based on your belief system. The Creator placed you here as a beautiful, lovable child. The Creator ain’t no slouch so that has to be true. Look in the mirror and see yourself as completely lovable. Tell yourself that: “I Love Me”. Hug yourself. Treat yourself as you want to be treated. The more you do this, the more it radiates out to others and they will mirror back the lovable you. Imagine what your romantic relationship looks like when you are lovable. Pure joy radiates from people who believe that they are lovable. They can light up a room. YOU ARE LOVABLE!

So don’t be surprised if there is a candlelight dinner waiting when you get home. And rose petals, with He Loves Me written on them.

You Are Not A Samsonite

LouvreI am sure we have all seen someone who has spent too much time in the sun. Their skin has that rich, copper-brown color, but upon closer look appears thick and leathery looking. And decidedly unhealthy too. I remember when I was a kid, my aunt would coat herself head to foot in baby oil, put on a swimsuit and lay on a blanket in the backyard for hours. Then days later, I would help her peel off that sunburn.

 

Time, thinner atmosphere (yes, global warming!), pollution, stress, too many carbs, too little sleep, and whatever else you have encountered has taken a toll on your skin. But like the tires on our cars, aging will wear down the surface of the skin. Nothing ages a woman more than her skin. However, it is never too late to baby it.Vatican

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of products on the market for your skin. Face, body, feet, hands. You do not need to spend a fortune to get results. Cleanse and moisturize at the very least. The very act of washing your face is relaxing and comforting. Rubbing something creamy into your skin is self-soothing. Especially if you crawl into bed right after. Mmmm, yawn.
CuracaoSymbolically, skin is our barrier to the world. We absorb toxins on a daily basis, from our environment to those crabby, draining people. No wonder sometimes we do not look our best. Bathing gets rid of those toxins. You can even imagine all that yuck going down the drain, including those toxic people. And then when you smooth in some nice body lotion think of it as a symbolic act of putting on a protective layer to keep that yuck out. Practicing daily skin care is more than just rejuvenating the outside.London

Sometimes that yuck sticks around. Whether it is from too much sun or holding onto other people’s crap, it can fester. Rashes, skin diseases, even skin cancer. Along with going to the doctor for treatment, take a look inside and listen to what is irritating you. You will speed your treatment along if you work on your inner yuck.

Eiffel

Besides, you want to use that other Samsonite to go to Paris in the spring.