DefCon Five

the-pink-panter-1996281_640I have an extreme fear of heights. Maybe more on the level of mind-numbing, nuclear attack type terror. From happy and sane to completely over-the-top nuts in seconds.

My sweetie and I just returned from a week in Oahu. Yes, lovely. Especially because it snowed in Denver while we were gone. But more on Hawaii later.

The first night was surviving the pit of misery. I booked an ocean view room and from the photos it looked like there were rooms on the lower floors. I even noted in the booking that I needed a lower floor due to extreme vertigo. Apparently, they don’t know what that is. The room was on the seventh floor, yes that’s 7 stories above the ground. Might have been able to handle that, but to get to the room you had to walk outside and around on a walkway with an open railing. I glued myself to the wall to get in the room. My sweetie said he would help me in and out so I thought I could do it.

At least they had Bud Light in the Pit of Misery. Dilly – dilly.

Once we got in for the night, the deeply buried psychotic portion of height phobia rose to the surface like the waves so coveted by the surfers. All ration and reason stayed on the ground floor and in its wake was hysteria. The hotel was quite full so they couldn’t move us until the next day. I think I would have slept under the bell desk to get out of that room. I was trapped, yet something from over the railing beckoned me. I have heard of that, so there must be some psychological condition and name for it. Evil lurked outside the door. I had to put a chair in front of the door for fear that I would be pulled out and over the edge. My thoughts went to some scene I think was in Lord Of The Rings where the Hobbits were dumped into a giant bird’s nest on a pinnacle. I was there. I shook with fear and sobbed. My poor sweetie had absolutely no idea what to do with me. I made him hold onto me and eventually went to sleep. I woke in terror several times, but survived until the next day.

The hotel staff worked very hard the next morning to move us to the fourth floor with an inside hallway. Likely in their best interests as much as mine.

I have never experienced such terror in my life. I don’t know where it comes from as I have no recall or narrative of any height trauma in my life. I can only think that it must be some past life recall. Would that I could have a do-over if that’s the case. I suppose there is some trauma therapy, maybe EMDR, that would rid me of this fear. I guess I didn’t know I needed it until now. Other than that, we had a great time and more to come about that.

Note to my fellow vertigo sufferers: along Waikiki the hotels are mostly high-rises so if you go, make sure you request a room on the third or fourth floor. That’s as low as you can get as there are shops below.

Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

wolf-in-sheeps-clothing-2577813_1920My last post about Uranus got me thinking about bullies. Uranus in Aries seems to have brought many of them to the forefront. We can recognize these bullies as the aggressive, in-your-face sort, but what about the hidden bullies?

I’m speaking of the passive-aggressive type or wolf in sheep’s clothing. The ones that sneak up on you and bite you in the a$$, but don’t leave a mark.

When I was in grade school, there was a mean little girl who was just that kind of bully. She was all nicey-nice and wanted to be everyone’s friend. Then she started this game that I [now] call “victim of the week”. She would choose one of her “so-called” friends and decide to pick on her. She’d gather up the rest of the group and fill them with some sh*t or other about how awful that girl was. Then the taunting and poking and chasing went on, sometimes lasting the entire week if the kid was tough. The main goal was to reduce the victim to tears. I filled the victim role several times until I figured out that the goal was crying. So guess what, folks, the minute I realized I was the target I bawled like an Emmy winner.

Maybe, I too, was the bully.

aggression-656795_1280We encounter these wolves in our everyday world. They tend to be the sweet, shy ones in the corner that speak in a soft childish voice. But oh, if you cross them, they’ll hiss like an angry cobra. They want their way, but don’t have the balls to ask politely and honestly for what they want. Cross them and their pouting is legendary. They have a knack too, for knowing what your triggers are. Mine tends to center around abandonment so I usually get some form of “if you don’t do what I want I will leave you”. Sirens go off in my head and too often I have found myself giving in, giving too much and putting my needs and boundaries in the toilet. And sad to say, I left some of those people before they left me, but the reality of that is that they never would have because why let go of a handy victim/martyr?

I haven’t completely adapted my behavior yet to not get worked up by these wolves, but I have stopped myself from running away. I read something that when you are dealing with a difficult person who wants something that you are unwilling to give, is to just give them more of what they want. Huh? Sounds counter-intuitive, but that’s the point. For example, if you are in a relationship and the other person keeps saying they want more space, quit fussing about it and give it to them. Take yourself out of their presence for extended periods of time. They’ll get damn sick of their own company right quick. Maybe in the workplace if you have someone that’s always threatening to leave if they don’t get more money or whatever, then maybe offer to write a reference letter. Or go all passive back and say “well I won’t stand in the way of anyone wanting to better themselves”. Screeeeech!cat-2201460_1280

Stand up for yourself, don’t engage in the drama, because no one should ever be able to pull the wool over your eyes again.

Alter Ego


Happy Halloween!  And some of its other names: Samhain, Day of The Dead, All Hallows Eve, Eve of The Saints.  Halloween has long been an American holiday consisting of masks and costumes and an overdose of sugar.  There is something quite fun and interesting about covering – or uncovering for some – yourself with a costume.

It is a time where we shed our outer shell and often our inhibitions and step into an alter ego.  How many of you felt more free and relaxed under a mask?  Perhaps this is a time when our real selves are allowed expression.  What if we didn’t need a mask to be our true selves?

Fear of disapproval is usually why we aren’t our authentic selves.  As long as we aren’t letting out our hidden criminal element, why is the real you such a bad thing?  What hidden talents or skills should you be allowing to shine?  When you are your true self and you love that self, then shining it out to the world is like a bright beacon of light.  People are drawn to authenticity.  And who knows what amazing things will come your way.

So let go of that mask.

Tribal Right

You have probably heard the expression “Beyond The Pale”.  It relates back to villages and having their boundaries defined by stakes or fences.  If you stepped beyond the pale you were stepping outside acceptable behavior, quite often resulting in being alienated from your village.  And then suffered from the shame of abandonment even if you found another village that accepted your different behavior.fall

Abandonment takes root at the very core of our self.  Loss, shame, unworthiness lurk at the edges of our consciousness and affect every area of our life.  If you want to live your best life, you will need to address these issues.  Abandonment is TRAUMA and possibly Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Find a therapist who specializes in this, and possibly trained in EMDR techniques to help you release this pain.

Trauma buries itself in your psyche and resurfaces every time you encounter a similar situation to the original action.  Long-term re-activation can cause you to develop illnesses and possibly chronic disease.  Do not live your life in pain and loneliness.  Seek out a tribe to regain your sense of belonging.

Women thrive when they have a tribe.  Collectively we become more powerful and can accomplish a great deal.  Being powerful radiates beauty.  Having a positive version of a “do not f*ck with me” attitude actually draws people to you.  It just means that you love and respect yourself.  Who doesn’t want that?

Including the rest of your tribe.


Read that title twice, didn’t you?  It might be a Freudian slip. . .

maskA MotherFaker is a mother who gave birth, but only pretended to be a mother.  Many, many of us had one, a mother that just couldn’t quite give us the nurturing and love that we needed.  We grew up scarred because of it, drifting in and out of relationships, marriages, jobs, homes, friendships, whatever it was that we tried to suck a little bit of love out of.  We attracted those people and situations as a mirror of our selves.  Maybe you still struggle with this.  Maybe we will never get over that abandoned and unwanted feeling.

It is possible, if you are willing to do the work.

Everyone says to forgive.  Yes, I know that is a stupid statement and you do not feel like you can ever condone your mother’s actions.  That is not the point of forgiveness.  You only want to neutralize your feelings so you don’t leave this stuck inside of you.  Your mother was not capable of being a mother to you.  It is NOTHING about YOU.  Maybe she had difficult circumstances in her life that caused her to shut down.  Maybe she had a MotherFaker and that was all she knew.  IT WAS NOTHING ABOUT YOU.  You have to find a way to let go of holding onto the energy so you can move on with your life and live the best you possible.  Does it really benefit you to be pissed about this?  Is that ever going to change the situation?  No.  It happened.  Your mother was not capable of love, but YOU ARE.

sad childStart by loving yourself.  Nurture the little girl inside you in all the ways that you did not get.  You will be surprised how much that helps to let go of your pain.  Start simply by asking yourself what you need: am I hungry, tired, thirsty, have to pee?  Honor those needs and then you will be able to ask yourself how you feel.  Whenever you feel crabby and out-of-sorts, start there.  Children of MotherFakers always put Her needs first and denied themselves.  Stop the crazy-making train and tend to you first.  Get into that practice and you will be surprised how your life changes and how differently people treat you.

And then you no longer have to fake being happy.