He Said, She Said

silhouette-2480321_1280There is a lot of finger-pointing between the sexes these days.  No one is right, yet no one is wrong.  It appears to be battle of control, when what it really should be is a balance of power.

Energy must be balanced in order to flow.

In every effective relationship, there is a balance of feminine and masculine energy.  This is not limited to gender nor sexual preference.  Feminine energy is receptive and sensing-feeling.  Masculine energy is giving and thinking-doing. 

Women can be masculine energy, and that doesn’t mean that they look like men or lack femininity.  Likewise, men can be feminine energy and still look and act masculine.  It is only how the energy is processed.

I am a masculine energy, very feminine woman.  I have friends and acquaintances who are similar.  I am in a heterosexual relationship and am a total fashionista.  I am highly intelligent and get more sh*t done in a day than many people do in a week.  My sweetie is a feminine energy male, who is also very intelligent and a creative former ironworker.  He appreciates my forward thinking.  Neither of us is weak and neither of us is in charge of the relationship.  Because we have a balanced energy relationship, the energy can shift back and forth depending upon our needs, desires and skills.  Good relationships have this ebb and flow.

The problem comes from two same-energy people in a relationship.  Two masculine energy people will constantly fight for control.  Two feminine energy people will passively want their way.  In either situation, neither get their needs met nor get sh*t done.  Trying to pretend you are one type, when you are not, does not work either.  Just like coloring your hair, the dark roots will always grow out the blonde.  Why create more conflict to an already conflicted situation?

The first step is to acknowledge your energy type.  Forget the male-female, masculine-feminine typecast for a bit.  Ask this question instead: are you more offended if someone calls you stupid or if they call you ugly?  If being called stupid sets you off, then you are more likely masculine energy, whereas you don’t give a rat’s a$$ if they call you ugly.  You might also get irritated and impatient by people who cry all the time.  If being called ugly makes you cry, then you are likely feminine energy.  Your feelings are more important than whether or not you know how to calculate the return on investment.  Again, neither energy type is right or wrong.  Just learn to be happy with which one you are.  You will have a happier life if you do.

I almost wonder if what we are seeing in the world today is from real energy types finally emerging.  Perhaps the conflict is more from within and easier to project on someone else than to acknowledge what is.  Internal conflict can turn nice people into alien life forms from hell.  Figure out what type you are, but throw away the label.  The energy will settle down and fall into balance.

Because it is better to be happy than to be right.

Rest and Digest

brunch-788499_1920Or not eating while you are stressed.  I’ve been reading a book “The Microbiome Diet” by Raphael Kellman, MD  (Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2014) and it is about getting your gut healthy to boost your immune system and lose weight.  Very helpful and a good read.

There is a section in the book that talks about eating while you are stressed and that your body says “we are at war and need to hold onto every last drop of food ‘cause starvation’s coming!”  (statement, mine)  I agree, because what do we so often do when we’re in squirrel-chasing mode but shovel in food.  Usually crap that makes you feel horrible in the middle of the night when your body gets around to deciding whether or not to digest it.

Stress can be blamed for everything.  Sort of like a younger sibling.  Only meaner.  And with red hair.

So you gotta stop, unwind yourself from the electronic device, breathe deep and then sit down to dinner.  Without the television or device.  When was the last time you actually sat down to dinner and had a conversation with the people in your house?  Try it sometime, they have interesting things to say and there will be happy tummies on the way.  Keep doing that and you might not have a group cold virus ruling your house this winter.

I’ve been yapping a lot lately about how busy I have been.  Got some of those outdoor chores done, and I just finished a big project at work.  So I finally have a slow day, and I don’t know what to do with myself.  Hah!  See what happens when you are a stress-activated junkie and you don’t get your fix.  Ya just get more anxious.  So I made myself relax and enjoy the peaceful day.  When I sat down to lunch, after my walk, I did it with the idea of enjoying my food.  It wasn’t the greatest choice of food, but I took the time to savor and chew slowly.  It seemed to taste better and my tummy isn’t protesting.

Digesting isn’t just limited to eating.  Accepting new ideas, behaviors, situations, or whatever also need to be digested.  If you allow yourself to relax, you’ll clear your mind to accept or have the wisdom to make changes.

And then you’ll have more time to relax and have dinner with those strangers that live in your house.

Droid-ful

p1135496_e_v8_ab[1]Are you one of those people (like me) who continuously feel responsible for everyone and everything?  It gets to be exhausting, not to mention it just pisses you off when other people blissfully let you do their work.  You get on this endless treadmill of work-work-work and you never seem to have any time for yourself.  But you do have time by yourself, you are on that treadmill alone.  How do you get off?

Maybe you don’t really want to.

You have the power, after all.  You are calling the shots, and yes, it is controlling and enabling.    But none of this really makes you a terrible person.  There are often deep-seated reasons for your actions.

Behind control lives fear.  You have fear and anxiety of what might happen if you don’t keep control.  You like, no Need, your environment to be a certain way.  People who have experienced trauma, especially childhood trauma, often use control as a coping mechanism to avoid repeating the trauma.  If you do things to make your environment safe, or take on other people’s responsibilities to keep you safe, then somehow this translates to not repeating the event or issue.

But you will never feel safe until you give up control to the Universe to guide the outcome.

Another aspect of controlling actions is energetic sensitivity.  Maybe you perform the duties of others just to avoid being around them.  You know, that crabby complaining-about-everything person you have to work with.  You’ll do anything to keep them away.  Or the flip side, an under-performer who is a really awesome person and you don’t want them to get fired.  Neither of which serves them or you.  You are just an energetic sponge.

How do you protect yourself from this stuff?

First of all, you must let people be responsible for their own stuff.  How will they ever learn to be self-sufficient and thoughtful of others if you continue to interfere with their life lessons?  You are here for your own, why heap their pile on top?  Stop enabling and suffer through the outcome.  The reality is that it is never as bad as you imagined.  Sometimes those people really pull through and just surprise the hell out of you.

Secondly, deal with the trauma.  You will never heal if you don’t.

Anxiety is just obsessing over an unknown future.  You could get hit by a truck tomorrow and it will be all over and look what you missed out on.  If you focus on the now and doing whatever you need to do in the now, the future will become the now.  Practice grounding.  Grounding into the Earth keeps you connected in the now.  Create an energetic boundary.  Imagine yourself completely surrounded by an egg-shaped light.  It should be about three feet outside your body.  Imagine that it is impenetrable except for only love-based energy, which flows in and out.  Know that you are safe and secure inside this light.  This is great protection for the energy sensitive.

And know without a doubt, if you ask, the Universe will keep you safe and give you red-flag warnings of action steps that keep you safe.  The Universe will also provide you with the best possible outcome for your highest good.

Me, I’m thinking of getting a droid.  Sort of a clone of myself.  I’m going to program it with all the nonsensical, enabling, controlling behaviors that rule my inner world.  Then I’m going to lie down on the sofa, take a nap, and dream up ways to make my world lesson free.

Your Body, Your Choice

 

clothes-2029337_1280If you follow my blog, you know that I write about emotional issues and beliefs, many of which are from personal experience.  I pose challenging questions in the hopes that you think about them and make changes so you can live your best life.  I wish that for everyone and that is what we are here for.

This time, I am asking you to challenge your beliefs.  It is a very controversial subject, but one that is near-and-dear to me both personally and professionally.

It is the choice of when to have or not have a baby.

Babies are very precious.  They bring much needed light and life to the world and teach us that humans are amazing.  Because they are so precious, they deserve to be born into a family that is ready and able to give them the love and care they need to thrive.

Human beings are biologically wired to have sex, which can lead to procreation.  Males are wired to have it quickly and often.  Females take their time to choose the best mate.  Increasing the vitality of the herd, so to speak.  The human component of this is a loving family.

Biology rules, in spite of our denial of it.  The moment we start producing hormones, the urge to mate begins.  I’m sure that the global impact of media and entertainment can stimulate this somewhat prematurely, but nothing stops biology.  Certainly not denial.  It is important to acknowledge this.  Acknowledge what might be happening.  That preteen, supposedly studying with a friend in their bedroom while you are snoozing during the evening news.  The college student, far away from home for the first time, is lonely and goes to a party with friends.  The adult, emotionally battered from a neglected childhood, equating love with sex.  And the list goes on.

The biggest gift you can give your child is teaching them the facts of biology and how to respect and honor their body.  Their body, their choice.  Teach them that No is a complete sentence.  Teach them to respect someone else’s no and move on.  Teach them to protect their body from disease or unintended pregnancy.  Teach them to honor someone else’s decision to protect their body.  Your child is precious.

The argument is that a baby is a gift from Spirit.  Well, absolutely.  No argument there.

I truly believe that Spirit created human bodies with unconditional love.  We are placed upon Earth with Free Will choice in order to experience life and grow our spirit.  The ultimate goal is to live our best life, give and receive love, and find our way back to Spirit.  If all of this is true, and Spirit gifted us with Free Will Choice, doesn’t that mean we get to decide when to have, or not have, a baby?  Isn’t honoring your body a Thank You to Spirit for its creation?

If instead we believe that this is entirely up to Spirit, why would Spirit allow a baby to be born into an abusive home with possibly fatal consequences?  If we exercised our free will choice, then isn’t that like protecting the baby prior to its conception?

Babies are precious.

This subject has deep personal meaning to me.  If my birth parents had the resources to protect their bodies, I wouldn’t be here.  I am okay with that.  I may have, instead, been born into a loving home and not had to spend most of my life struggling to resolve the emotional damage from my present life.  My mother was a teenager when I was born.  She missed graduation and all the other fun things of teenage and young adult life.  Her boyfriend, my father, was older – an adult – and chose not to give up his lifestyle for family life.  I held little interest for him since I wasn’t a boy.  Three lives have been impacted by not having a choice.  Well, I suppose I wouldn’t be trying to help others if I hadn’t had that experience.

Professionally, I am at the front lines of the consequences of unintended pregnancies.  I work for a government social services agency.  Thankfully, I handle money and not directly interact with clients – it would break my heart.  Each month, we experience these results.  Each year it costs more and we receive less funding to provide services.  We treat sexually transmitted infections, dispense planning methods, do cervical cancer screenings, process paternity tests, accept child support payments, authorize public assistance payments to families who can’t afford to feed their growing family and much more.  The numbers keep growing and the costs go up.  We rescue babies and children from homes where the parents struggle with substance abuse, have mental health issues, incur sexual abuse, bring violence into the home that may result in a fatality.  There are too many children in foster homes.  These homes are expensive.  Some of these children never return to their birth family.  Some of them may get adopted by a loving family, but even then, a few are returned to foster care because the new family cannot cope with the severe emotional and behavioral issues of the children.  It tears at my heart to see these numbers growing.  When and where does it stop!!!

Denial will not stop it.  Celibacy will not stop it.  Incarceration will not stop it.

It stops where it begins.  Your Body, Your Choice.

Honor and respect your body by making the choice.  Honor and thank Spirit for your body by making the choice.  But most of all, honor the babies and children by letting them be born to someone who is ready and capable of loving and caring for them.

Because. . .babies are precious.

 

For Kathy B: It is not how many you reach, but reaching the one who gets the message.  For each one who does, the energy will radiate out and multiply.  Many Blessings.

My Mother, My Body, My Self

mother-1327186_1280My mother was mean and fat.  I suppose she had her reasons.  I was born to her when she was a teenager, unable to graduate with her high school class, and the subject of scorn from many.  Self-hatred can cause you to pack on pounds in an effort to deflect other’s criticism.

I swore I would never be like my mother.

I never grew fat, just slightly chubby during difficult periods in my life, but always managed to ditch those few extra pounds when happiness was more prevalent in my life.  But I absorbed my mother’s dissatisfaction in other ways.

I became her punishment.

She told me once, “never get pregnant or you’ll ruin your life”.  I suppose, then, that I had ruined her life.  Her self-hatred ran deep, and so I spent the better part of my life attempting to appease her.  Wasted effort.  Once I gave up, my life changed in dramatic ways.

Shame and blame are guilt trips that are all too easy to fall into.  It takes courage, it takes strength, and it takes total compassion for yourself and your struggles to dig out of the rut of shame and blame.  My mother never got there.  She might still be in that place, but I don’t know as we no longer speak.

I still hate her on occasion.  I would guess that’s normal.  When my thighs get fat, I hate her.  When I stand with my hands on my hips, I hate her.  Sometimes we mimic our mother’s body to heal the pain of rejection.

I am not my mother’s body.

When I see these aspects appear, they just remind me of the wounds left behind.  They remind me of my struggle to create my own identity and not the one my mother impressed upon me.  And as each day goes by, and I allow my wants, my needs, and the desires of my true self thrust outward like a seedling in fresh mulch every piece of my mother’s rejection drops into my arms like a newborn greeting the world.

Like Phoenix rising from the ashes.

And knowing this, I wrap my arms around those injured bits of my soul, and tell myself that I am Loved and I am Cared For.  And I smile as I watch shame and blame fade away.

You’re Not Good Enough

hand-1923005_1920What?  Why not?  This is usually our first response.  But maybe, the best response is “for what?”

What is “not good enough?”  Most of the time it is someone else’s expectation of us.  Are they right?  And if they are, should you really be worried about that?  Yeah, maybe, if they are paying you for your performance.  You could have an off day or you are ill, but they should give you a break for that.  If you are consistently not up to the expectations they have outlined for you, well then, you probably aren’t good enough.  But you might be good enough for someone else.

And you are damn sure good enough for you.

Always remember that the Creator made you and you were absolutely good enough then, so why wouldn’t you be now?

Expectations.  Others, of course, but really of yourself.  How many times do you let yourself down, because you don’t think you are good enough or capable enough?  Do you start with the self-expectation that you aren’t, so you somehow sabotage your efforts to prove yourself right?

How would that change if you believed, or just known, that you could do something?  If that is true, you are most likely already there and don’t even think about it.

Expectations can push us or punish us.  They should push us and make us want to grow, to change, to be better than we were the day before.  Expectations should help others strive too.  Rather than punishing someone for not meeting our expectations, tell them how you feel.  “I don’t like it when you don’t pick up after yourself.  The room looks dirty and cluttered.  I get tired because I feel like I have to pick up your stuff.”  Rather than telling them they are stupid or lazy or dictating that they have to do something, you are bringing it back to how you feel.  Sharing your feelings is healthy and gives the other person the opportunity to do better.

And then they can change their expectations and see that they are good enough.

Shake It Off

skeletons-32459_1280I recently created a music playlist to listen to when we are hanging out on the patio.  I tried to pick songs that make you want to get “jiggy”.  That’s code word for dancing, not the OTHER jiggy.

I went back in time for some of them, for favorites, and to add variety.  Remember “Dancing on the Ceiling” by Lionel Ritchie?  Watch the video on YouTube, it will make you smile.

Dancing is healthy for mind, body and soul.  It gets you moving, maybe singing along and it just lightens your soul.  And it is portable.  We have a little above ground pool on the patio, just big enough to cool off on a warm summer day, and spend quite a bit of time there.  We can fit 4 inner tubes without crowding and it is butt-deep.  Ever dance in an inner tube?  Okay, wiggle, but you get the idea.  Just don’t wiggle too much lest you wish a mouthful of pool water.  Needless to say, it has been a fun way to beat the heat and listen to some great tunes.

Dancing can also help heal the soul.  I recently read some articles discussing the shaman’s “Skeleton Dance”.  After you have done some emotional healing work, it is recommended that you do this dance to shake off and out the residual energy.  First, picture a skeleton hanging by a string.  Give it a shake and watch how all the bones rattle around.  It is a very loose dance and probably not much different than what you might do when you are drunk.  Just don’t drink alcohol when you are doing healing work as it defeats the purpose.  Well, duh.  Drunkenness is probably why you need to do the healing work in the first place!!  So let’s practice. . .err, give it a try.

Stand up.  Get your a$$ up off the sofa, it is time to get jiggy!  Start swinging your arms around like they are loose in your shoulder socket.  Loosen up those elbows, your wrists and even your fingers.  Do the same with your legs and move on up through your hips and waist.  Head too.  Just let loose and shake it loose.  Quit worrying about what you look like, you are supposed to be a skeleton, remember?  Jiggle around until you feel relaxed and fluid.  Then stop and just stand there for a bit and tune into your body.  How do you feel?  There should be some measure of less stress.  You should always do some method of body release work after emotional healing to avoid keeping it trapped in your body.  The skeleton dance is a fun and effective way to do this.

So why don’t you cue up “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith or “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift and dance your way to joy.

Response-ability

Do you often feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of things you have to do in any given day?  I suspect that is probably normal for many people.  Too many commitments, too much wanting, too many expectations.

I took the word responsibility and split it into two parts, and created a new meaning.  “The ability to respond.”

We often take on more than we can handle because we think we should.  If you said “no” to things that don’t belong to you or you don’t feel good about, what are the consequences?  Sometimes you have to say no to people, because if you don’t , they will never learn a much-needed lesson.  The world is full of overworked and overcommitted people.

But what about the people that can’t respond?

I’m going back to the subject of depression, because it is very difficult to understand what is going on.  I have experienced times of depression.  Fortunately, they have been minimal.  I tend to go more the other way, as I have anxiety disorder.  Anxious people are usually the overcommitted, because having control over things keeps your environment manageable if not calm.  Anxious people look for sh*t on the horizon and plot and plan to keep it shoveled away.  I have worked (there’s that word again!) very hard to keep the horizon sh*tpile from blocking my view.

Depression doesn’t even let you see the sh*tpile on the horizon.  Depression says the sh*tpile is inside you.  Depression turns your brain chemicals to sh*t and sends your energy down the toilet.  Depressed people struggle with getting out of bed, much less changing out of their pajamas.  There is no hope.  And they can’t help it.

I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t profess to know all the ins and outs of this debilitating disease.  I have studied it and have experienced a level of it.  Meds don’t always help and many people don’t like to take them because they often create a “foggy” brain.  Many years ago, I took meds for anxiety.  They took away the anxiety, but they also took away my “red flag” filter and I married an alcoholic while I was on them.  Not too many months into the marriage, I weaned off the meds and woke up to the reality of life with a nasty person.  I suffered through it for 7 years, at a great cost to my self-esteem.  In the final years of the marriage, I sometimes went to sleep at night wishing I wouldn’t wake up.  That is what depression will do to you.  (Obviously I got through it or you wouldn’t be reading this blog.  The blog has served as a healing platform.)

I’m sharing this because of the recent celebrity suicides and all the “whys?” surfacing all over social media.  The “whys” are because THEY CANNOT FIND THEIR WAY UP.  Family, friends, money, fame, social status, good physical health. . .cannot fix what is happening to the soup in their brains.  They cover it up and medicate themselves with some sort of substance abuse or addiction, which sends them further out of control. The lucky few respond to outreach, or rescued attempt, and live on to maintain, thrive and even be a spokesperson for help.  But too many, like Kate and Anthony and people you love, absolutely believe that the only way out. . . is Out.

If you know someone who struggles with depression, first do not condemn them.  THEY CANNOT HELP IT.  Find a way to offer your support.  Wrap them in love.  Hold the vision that love is literally pouring into their body and filling them up.  Gently poke and prod them to keep going.  Be the sunshine in their life as they can’t see their own.

And remember, that you too, deserve love and caring and someone to hold your hand.

Bon Voyage and Godspeed, Dear Kate

41OLqVyQ+iL._AC_US327_QL65_I, like many people, was shocked and saddened to hear about the passing of Kate Spade. Kate, as we know, was the brilliant mind behind cute, quirky and beautiful handbags, shoes, clothing and housewares. I own 2 pairs of shoes and 5 of her fabulous bags and would love to have a collection. I bet they will be hard to find now.

IMG_0087

What really saddens me is her method. The report is of suicide. Darling Kate, what could have been so awful in your life for this to happen? Most anything can be fixed or replaced with something better. The only thing that would warrant a suicide is a painful, terminal illness and even then, don’t go it alone. There are doctors to help with that sort of thing.

We see this played out often in daily life. Someone with mental illness, severe depression, addictions, or severe pain – all truly a crisis. But there is always help. We get too far mired down in our own muck and we somehow can’t believe that there is anyone out there who cares or will help. We have distanced ourselves with too much technology and social media and forget how to reach out and hold someone’s hand. We don’t talk – we text. I read that you can even have Alexa or somesuch read your child a bedtime story. WTF.

Mental illness typically has roots in a chemical imbalance in the brain. We know that there are plenty of chemicals out there to balance them. However, some of the most simple things can change your brain chemicals. And one of them is human touch. A hug. A hand to hold. Tears to share. Laughter to lighten up. A kiss goodnight. Even petting your cat or dog will stir up the good chemicals. Do YOU do any of these things? There is ALWAYS someone out there who will hold your hand when you most need it. A nurse in the hospital. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know them, the chemicals will activate. Human beings are not meant to be alone so don’t suffer alone. Find someone to talk to if you find yourself sinking into a dark place. There is always another path for you.

Rest In Peace, Kate Spade, and thank you for bringing something for us all to smile about.

Let’s Talk Chakras – Part Seven – The Crown Chakra

crown-2533113_640This is the seventh in a series about our energy body that consists of Chakras. Chakra means “wheel” or “vortex”. We each have seven of them located along the spine, from the base up to the crown of your head. There is an additional one located slightly above the top of your head. Chakras are funnel-shaped, spin in a clockwise circle, and you have one on the front of you that draws in energy and one on the back that gives out energy. It is beneficial to you to keep them spinning and have a balance of flow in and out.

The seventh chakra is located, appropriately, on the crown of your head. It vibrates to the color violet in the light spectrum. Physical issues are related to depression, fatigue and constantly feeling out of sorts.

The Crown Chakra connects you to Spirit. Here is where your beliefs reside concerning religion, spirituality, sense of purpose, divine guidance and trust in that which you cannot see. Your deeply held beliefs waging war with those that might be imposed upon you by others will cause you to feel aimless in your life. A general feeling of illness that simply won’t go away can be based in this inner conflict. Only you can determine what you believe in. If it simply doesn’t feel right down in your gut, then it is not for you. Going against someone else’s belief system that they have imposed upon you might feel like a fight you don’t want and might cause a permanent riff, but whose happiness is most important? Another person’s? Or yours? If you choose the path that is for your highest and best good, then Spirit will support you by giving you the direction to take. And your life will be immensely better.

Open your Crown Chakra and connect with Spirit. Listen to the guidance you receive and act upon the direction. Ask Spirit for help with the next step. Watch how your life beautifully unfolds. And thank Spirit for helping.  As this corresponds to the pinnacle of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – self actualization – then contentment, feeling safe, feeling supported, and a sense of belonging bring peace to your life.  Which is what all of us really want anyway.  Namaste.

It is important to keep your chakras clean and spinning in a clockwise direction. A regular practice of meditation, with a focus on re-balancing your chakras, is the best method of keeping them healthy.