I originally posted this article on October 21, 2017 and decided to re-post it for Mother’s Day. First, I would like to honor all those really good moms and awesome dads I frequently encounter. Their obvious love of and devotion to their children restores my faith that parenthood is good. Many blessings and thanks to you.
Secondly, I would like to extend my compassion to all those who have struggled with mother wounds. Whether you continue to put yourself in the line of fire, or like me, have cut off all contact, give yourself permission to feel the pain and anger. There is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are real and they matter.
Whether you are a mother, want to be one, have a good relationship with your mother or have soul wounds, the first mother is the one that you are to yourself. Nurture and love you and let the rest be what it will be.
Read that title twice, didn’t you? It might be a Freudian slip. . .
A MotherFaker is a mother who gave birth, but only pretended to be a mother. Many, many of us had one, a mother that just couldn’t quite give us the nurturing and love that we needed. We grew up scarred because of it, drifting in and out of relationships, marriages, jobs, homes, friendships, whatever it was that we tried to suck a little bit of love out of. We attracted those people and situations as a mirror of our selves. Maybe you still struggle with this. Maybe we will never get over that abandoned and unwanted feeling.
It is possible, if you are willing to do the work.
Everyone says to forgive. Yes, I know that is a stupid statement and you do not feel like you can ever condone your mother’s actions. That is not the point of forgiveness. You only want to neutralize your feelings so you don’t leave this stuck inside of you. Your mother was not capable of being a mother to you. It is NOTHING about YOU. Maybe she had difficult circumstances in her life that caused her to shut down. Maybe she had a MotherFaker and that was all she knew. IT WAS NOTHING ABOUT YOU. You have to find a way to let go of holding onto the energy so you can move on with your life and live the best you possible. Does it really benefit you to be pissed about this? Is that ever going to change the situation? No. It happened. Your mother was not capable of love, but YOU ARE.
Start by loving yourself. Nurture the little girl inside you in all the ways that you did not get. You will be surprised how much that helps to let go of your pain. Start simply by asking yourself what you need: am I hungry, tired, thirsty, have to pee? Honor those needs and then you will be able to ask yourself how you feel. Whenever you feel crabby and out-of-sorts, start there. Children of MotherFakers always put Her needs first and denied themselves. Stop the crazy-making train and tend to you first. Get into that practice and you will be surprised how your life changes and how differently people treat you.
And then you no longer have to fake being happy.